Showing no ill effects from a weak economy, housing numbers released by the Obama administration showed that a record 75 million Americans are now participating in the mass self-delusion that they, and not their banks, actually own their homes. "Home ownership is the fulfillment of the American (banking industry's) dream, and we are proud to announce that more Americans than ever have been able to (help lending institutions) achieve that dream," said President Obama.

After putting 5 percent down on a $235,000 house yesterday morning, Silsbee pediatric nurse Stephanie Doogan officially became the 75 millionth American to take part in the widely accepted fantasy. "Ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted to (deceive myself into believing I could) be a homeowner," said Doogan, 35. "Well, look at me now! Me, little Stephanie Doogan, I actually have a place I can call 100 percent (minus 95 percent) my own!"

Across the country, other (people in denial concerning their status as) property owners expressed similar satisfaction. "There's nothing like taking a walk around your (bank-owned) house, then going outside and kneeling down in your (bank-owned) lawn and grabbing a handful of (the bank's) dirt to make you realize how precious (their) land is," said 28-year-old Matt Jackson, who('s bank) bought a $210,000 home on Pine Island Bayou last year. "It makes me feel as though I really have something that no one can take away from me (unless I miss so much as one mortgage payment)."

Added Devon Knight, who recently thinks he purchased a condominium in Kountze: "When I was renting an apartment, if the a/c went out, I had to get the landlord to fix it. But now, if the a/c goes out, I have to fix it! ... wait a minute, I'm losing the illusion here ... why is that good again?"

"Equity!," said Jay Harrington, Knight's mortgage broker at First Union. "Just remember, you have equity!. And next to the right of every single American (major corporation) to have a say in who gets elected, that's the most sacred thing you can (pretend you) have."

Computer scientists have announced that the holy grail of allowing actual punctuation and spaces in URLs and email addresses might yet be within mankind's reach. It turns out the only reason why these characters were initially disallowed is because early Internet programmers did not recognize the need for them, having never read an actual book.

The change will mean the end of confusion over the meaning of URLs such as therapistfinder.com. Soon you will simply be able to type The Rapist Finder.com or Therapist Finder.com, depending on what you're actually looking for. The staff at Italian electricity supplier powergenitalia.com will finally be less embarrassed by their company email addresses but online stationery supplier penisland.net is bracing itself for a 99% reduction in its hit count. Google will, for the first time, be known under the more appropriate name, Go Ogle.

But bloggers were quick to react to the news. "Internet to be litterate??? WTF Wot is problm anywhay?" wrote LimeWireJunkie27, (not his real name). "They shud stop changng intrface on Twitter, coz new 1 is stupd."

LONDON - Reform continues to sweep the UK as Her Majesty's Government has approved a new regulation allowing females to stand while they urinate, ushering in a new era of gender equality never before seen in a modern nation. British leaders say they hope the rest of the world follows in their footsteps to make up for past indiscretions.

"Separate but equal has long been unacceptable for race, yet it still inexplicably defines our treatment of the sexes," said British Prime Minister David Cameron while announcing the ruling. "It's time we stop letting the limitations of the female body determine what type of apparatus is used for personal hygiene and instead align the apparatus to the needs of today's woman.

"Ladies, with the blessing of Her Majesty the Queen, Britain will build you a better toilet," he added.

The announcement comes on the heels of a recent decision by the Commonwealth realms to change the rules of succession to allow first-born daughters to inherit the British throne. Unlike that feeble attempt at giving women their just due, the new rules regarding urination not only directly affect women of any age, but also of all class status, not just royalty.

"This is a great day for the transgender community," said Ima Butch, spokesperson for a British transgender support group. "No longer will transvestites and pre-op transsexuals be faced with the decision of which restroom is appropriate for them."

"We're now all free to pee wherever we may be!" he/she added.

Other nations have yet to formally react to the announcement, although French President Nicolas Sarkozy expressed confusion when he heard the news, saying "French women have always stood while they pee - don't all women?"