San Bernardino, CA - Local and state police scoured the local hillsides when three animal rights activists went missing after protesting the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally last weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were found by fast food workers "duct taped inside a Burger King dumpster," according to a police spokesman.

According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960's era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting "you're murderers." This, evidently, is when the trouble began.

"They peed on me ! " charged one activist, who was wearing a red PETA sweatshirt. "They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me 'La Treen ', and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!" Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers "farted on their heads."

"That's preposterous," said one biker, who wishes to remain anonymous. "We were just having a party, and these shabbily-dressed people showed up and were very rude to us. My goodness! They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are members of a motorcycle club does not mean we don't care about good manners and inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome."

When confronted with the allegations of force-feeding meat to the activists, using them as latrines, leaving them taped up in a dumpster, and "farting on their heads," the president of the biker gang declined to comment, except to say "That's just our secret handshake."

WASHINGTON - In what some in the White House are calling a "win/win" solution to the nation's airport security and health care reform problems, starting next month U.S. airports will begin conducting full body scans that will double as annual physical checkups.

President Obama announced the breakthrough solution, telling reporters, "With this all-purpose exam, we will be able to find everything from a hidden weapon to a spot on your lung. After scanning a passenger, Mr. Obama said, "We will either give you a clean bill of health or wrestle you to the ground."

The President added that instituting the body scan/checkup could ward off some terrorists right from the start, "because a lot of them will balk at the $25 co-pay."

But according to Davis Logsdon, who studies terrorism and health care reform at the University of Minnesota, the body scans may attract more terrorists than they deter: "If there's one complaint that terrorists have about al-Qaeda it's that they have lousy benefits."
SOURCE: The Borowitz Report, 11 Jan 2010

SEVILLE, SPAIN - Jon Blevins, an Ohio University junior studying in Seville, has spent nearly all of his semester abroad drinking with other American college students. "Seville is incredible," said Blevins, 19, finishing off a San Miguel beer at the Capote Bar. "There are all these amazing cathedrals and statues and art museums and stuff. Hopefully, I'll get a chance to see some of it before I go back to The States."

Dividing his time between classes, the Universidad de Sevilla's American dorms, and the bars frequented by American students, Blevins said the opportunity to gain firsthand exposure to people from other cultures was what drew him to the ancient Andalusian city.

"I've met people from all over - a guy from Penn State, these two Sigma Epsilon frat brothers from Oregon, and some really cool people from Texas A and M," said Blevins, a political-science major who is taking four credits at the Universidad de Sevilla. "And I was worried I wouldn't fit in."

Blevins, who said Seville is "in the Moor part of Spain," has not visited such landmarks as the Catedral, the largest Gothic edifice ever constructed, or the Museo Provincial des Bellas Artes, a museum in a former convent which houses works by Murillo, Ribera, and El Greco. He has, however, made numerous trips to the American Club, "this great bar near campus where they've got Dave Matthews on the jukebox and Budweiser on tap."

Before leaving for Spain in January, Blevins was concerned that his inability to speak Spanish would make negotiating the country difficult. Blevins' worries, however, were quickly assuaged. "You can totally get by without knowing Spanish in Seville," Blevins said. "It's a really international city, and a lot of the locals speak English. Plus, a few days after I got there, I hooked up with these guys from Emory University who all knew a little Spanish. So I was pretty much set."

Blevins said he looks forward to gaining a taste of authentic Spanish culture during the upcoming Semana Santa festival, an annual Easter Holy Week celebration famous for its religious significance and throngs of drunken tourists. "That's gonna be seriously off the hook," Blevins said. "We're talking non-stop José Cuervo."

In spite of the challenges that studying in a foreign country has presented, Blevins said he "wouldn't have missed learning all about Spanish culture for anything."